inspiration

what keeps me away for three months? i have no idea. i'm not DOING anything, that's for sure. pete's back in school, i have weeknights mostly to myself, i go out with friends, go to the gym, cook dinners, i even started watching TV! i know - actual TV! but then today steven sent me a hulu link and i realized that's a LOT easier than muscling through the ED and frequent pissing drug commercials. so it was a passing fad - those nbc thursdays.


speaking of not watching tv (they don't own one) - heidi had her baby! you probably didn't hear, but my best friend from college finally got herself pregnant (her husband helped) and the baby arrived november 4th. little raina lyn. i know - it's adorable. and so is she. can't wait to meet the little pumpkin.


so that got me thinking about how pete and i visited my dad's college friends last night. they must feel about me how i feel about raina. i mean i haven't even met her and i love her. and i always will b/c she's jedd+heidi and they are two of the raddest people you haven't met yet. she's gonna be a little farm girl and it's going to be marvelous.


i on the other hand turned into a suburban wife with little direction and no desire to finish anything i start. but boy do i like to start things! sometimes i wear the bravado like a wool sweater: "i don't care about my hair or my looks or the impression i am making - i am just me." but we all care. it's so hard not to. and we are all hard on ourselves. it's so hard not to be. but i have to say - 31 helped me exhale a little. 31 has brought a lot more introspection and pleasant discoveries and proud moments of internal inspiration that i've missed in past years. can i admit that i just realized that if i do something when no one is watching, i'm watching - and that's all that matters?


how far does the self-discovery go? it's eternal. ask the dream circle. but let's be nice to ourselves. give yourself some credit but don't let that be a crutch to no consequences. consequences and repercussions, my man. that's the only way to improve. that and lots and lots of doggie treats.


and as i re-read this like the obsessed editor that i haven't become i realize how hard it is to take your own advice. i want everyone to be the best they can be and i want everyone to be easy on themselves and i want everyone to see what makes them shine...but how do you do that for yourself? lately i just think about where pete and i are going, if we'll have kids, if we'll leave minnesota, why i don't write more, when i'll stop eating so many potato chips, if i should be in bremen, where the years went, what makes me happy, how i can help, if i can do this, what path i missed, and where i can get my wassermaxx canisters refilled. nah, i never think about that last one. it seems impossible!


anyway, i don't know much. but i know that i should get outside at lunch tomorrow. it's my only hope obi-wan.