foresight

same as it ever was, same as it ever was. i really wanna be around - or at least be able to watch it all unfold on the 50 inch hd screen in the sky - as humans evolve....or devolve. i know i'll be lucky to get in 80 years, but i feel so invested in what we become. i don't think it's too much to ask for my government to give me a top notch education and keep me healthy. i can't even go into the details. it's just too...inconsequential? i can understand that we shouldn't be wasting money. i can appreciate that. but like my boss has been saying for years - the anti-intellectualism that is sweeping the nation is just plain depressing. words have actual meanings. power and money? really? that's it? that's always been it, i guess. my mom said i'd get more conservative as i got older. and in some ways i have. i can see that there is waste. but i don't feel like it's a waste to take care of each other. to care. get me mine is what's taking us down. it's hard to see out of this hole right now.

for reals

the ups and downs have the best of me at present but i wanted to slip in an 8-31-10 post. not sure what it is, but there is something about the last day of august/first day of september that makes you just cringe. cause i don't care what they say - september=fall and fall=school and school=seriousness and seriousness=waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. maybe this year i make a pact with myself that fall=fun. pete wants to DO more. so do we go generic? apple orchard, red wing fall colors, a hay ride? mmmmm, not so much. but let's brainstorm on the idea because hells no i can't just get back into the doldrums. can't.

so the ups and downs you ask? eeeeesh. living the dream? living FOR the dream more like it. and realizing a lot got lost along the way. the journey is the destination and eckhart tolle has something there. though our conversation tonite went more towards pete's line of thought - planning, goals, etc. etc. can i just throw it all out the window and start over? oh sure i can. i CAN. do i want to? will it make me happier? or will the tumble make me shinier? alls i know is something has to happen and honestly, the more drastic the better. cause the day-to-day rat race has got the better of me and i don't want it to win.

so it goes. goodbye blue monday. hello fall fun.

lymed!

i got lymed. bad. but it's pretty well on it's way now (knock on - yeah, this is oak. nice oak desk we scavenged from some old lady). anyway, man! who knew! i pride myself on being a bit of a hypochondriac, but for some reason this one got by me. and it was a biggie! i started to drag after memorial day, pete was finishing spring semester, my head got heavy, i got some weird chills/fever thing, i tylenoled up, doulaed for my sister mid-june, woke up one morning and felt like i'd been hit in the back of the neck with a louisville slugger - but i thought it was from sittin' up at the hospital. when the rashes came i should have known better. oh yeah, and the night sweats. i actually put a pile of tshirts next to my bed so i could wipe down and put something fresh on at 1am. hello what? and i was sleeping in my car at lunch! good lord woman! can someone take a lesson in self awareness please? jesus christ. when i finally went in after father's day and then googled lyme - well let's just say it wasn't my proudest moment. i felt like such an idiot! a camping novice? tim got it 4 years ago at the same campground and he's like, "what?! do i have to pass out pamphlets?" i guess you do, timmer. i guess you do. maybe next year kruses sticker will be of a giant TICK. sheesh.

but june wasn't all bad. i mean macy lynn did come to be at 4:28 am on june 12, 2010. our newest and cutest family member. can't wait to see her again! no, it didn't make me want one. she is great but i have my hands full with a pete.

eyeballs

i think i'm gonna do it. my eyes hurt right now. i am over 1800contacts, i am moving onto the grown up universe. and it is: mneye.com. that's m-n-e-y-e dot com. if cuddy can do it, i can do it. though is he seeing very well lately? he sure can't hit anything....oooooh ouch!

two things

poetry. i wish i had the patience to read poetry. patience.

i just watched something on natalie merchant's new album - all of it poetry to music. she talked about how she used to not get it. she used to think she wasn't deep enough, thoughtful enough...complex enough to get poetry. but then she realized she didn't need to make it more difficult than it was. so the whole interview reminded me of an art hounds i heard where a mn woman strongly suggested that we all read a new poetry book by another mn woman who was up for an award. i just found a sample and i read three lines and all i could think was "get on with it!" not cool, dude. slow 'er down. give 'er a try. in through the nose and out through the mouth. foreign. sure i go to yoga, sure i love reading mags in the bathtub, sure i have no problem laying on the couch doing absolutely nothing...but hell if i can read a poem without getting antsy. i'm gonna try though. i'll see if i can find that book at the library and just give it a better effort.

secondly, the interview - let's just take a sweet time out here: i don't have anything against natalie merchant, but i've also not been a big fan. that's why i find it hard that my two takeaways from her interview were so...profound? for me anyway. cause it takes a spark to get me on this damn blog! - anyway, the second part of the interview that really struck me was that she purposefully chose a few poems that highlighted the loss of innocence. growing up. the likes. and it really got me thinking...when did i grow up? the first and only thing that comes to mind is pretty benign. very personal to me, but nothing drastic. i'll have to put in a little more thought if i want to nail down another one. but my first thought was the story my dad told me the weekend we were together for my grampa's funeral. an old family story that's been around since it happened in 1985 was that my grampa wasn't able to make it to my dad and stepmoms wedding because he slipped in the tub and broke his collarbone. the story didn't come up often - if ever, i guess - but that's how i remember it. i was 7, that's what i was told...and i'll say i never questioned it. ever. but the story my dad told the weekend of grampa's funeral was that my grampa got drunk at my aunts b/c he was so pissed that my stepmom wasn't taking the berger name...and then he fell and broke his collarbone. shit, i don't even know if it was in the tub now that i think about it.

it's hard to explain what that story did to me. i mean let's face it, people's parents get drunk in front of them, stories like precious' are real, life can be awfully fucking grim...but this story that threw my grampa from a pedestal - it just started the whole slow but steady crumbling that is the fact: nothing is as it seems and usually it's a lot worse.

i don't think dad realized it - he certainly didn't mean to hurt me - but it was his reality and he just shared it, probably without even knowing i hadn't heard it before. i vividly remember sitting in that creepy old house - we were staying at winters and that house, unlived-in, preserved from the 60s? 70s? even though i was sitting there with my dad and stepmom, i remember feeling like i didn't know anyone or anything that surrounded me. it was scary and it was - thankfully - not a feeling i'd felt often before then. pretty lucky kid. i know it. as best i can, anyway.

master doobie

sheesh, about a month ago already chuck (stepdad) called and asked if he was talking to the master doobie! hilarious. it was right after my doula training up in fridley. long and short of it - i getta be there with my sis and her boyfriend for the birth of my niece! i have to admit it was some slow and decidedly uncertain steps that led me to where we are now...but i am very excited and getting prepared. more on this later ;)

the roller coaster of life continues. our best man and old and dear friend gavin is in the hospital right now recovering from a near death experience. his heart stopped, they had to shock him back, they put him in a 24hr hypothermia state and pete's there visiting right now. not sure if he'll get to see rourkes or if he'll know pete or what. i am nervous and tired...but not even close to what leah is feeling. how upside-down can a girls world possibly turn? to be able to stay positive, keep hope alive and rely on friends and family - that's all you can do. and it's all words until you are really in the thick of it. i think a person's nature leads them where they are destined to be in circumstances like this. leah is calm, collected and steady in her everyday life...that will carry over. hang in there roukes! we love you!

bts

built to spill is the best band to come into my life in the last ten years. that's a bold statement, i know - but it's true. for me, they have exactly the remedy i need. and the best part is remembering the first time i saw them - stumbling into the crystal ballroom in downtown pdx - floor bouncing, band rocking, people dancing - it was the most electric experience i've had, jimi. the most. ach so.

last night was a mellow beer club and tonite was a raging bender. nicht fur ich, aber...

place is one of my favorite things. where are you from? i am from minnesota. born and bred...but i am also from sweden. and i must be from the ocean b/c i love it so much. prairie is like the ocean - you can see for so long, the curvature of the earth is apparent.

there seems like there are so many activites in the world. so many things to love and learn and do...and yet so few hours in the day and so few days i don't have to go to work. i need to start making a living at not working. i will work on that. oao.

to revive ink, keep writing

happy new year youz guys. oh-ten is proving to be 1) cold 2) snafu-happy but 3) ah'ight. we've gotten out cross country skiing once and my nasal passage nearly turned to ice...but it was girl scouts day so it was adorable to see the 6 year olds giving it a go. i forgot how akward it is to try to get up with those long boards strapped to your feet. the ankle twisting it causes looks unnatural.



as we speak pete is trying to fix my driver door. let me tell you a little about phil. he's my college car and he's been with me through coeur d'alene to pdx and back again. i guess it's hard to cliff notes him...i mean it's a ten year relationship built on trust, appreciation, personal meltdowns (mine mostly), and lots of rock n' roll. slowly but surely he's falling apart. i don't want to admit it and i certainly hate to talk about it - i am very superstitious about him - but it's true. i have to start facing the facts so i can prepare myself for that day when i walk away from newgate. maybe i'll walk to unisys just for the hell of it - in honor of berger's '89 dodge caravan. anyway, it started with the driver window, progressed to the left blinker and now the driver door handle. it's like he doesn't want me going left. or leaving him. i did notice the other windows seem shot as well but it's been like 15 fucking degrees below zero - what do you expect. it's a miracle any moving part still works on anything. nonsense.



so i don't know. carsoup? my boss has a mechanic that he trusts and i guess that's a possibility - get something from him. i don't know. like i said, i don't like thinking about it. our goal is 250k and i don't want to sell him short. if pete can get this fixed we are going for wings!