master doobie

sheesh, about a month ago already chuck (stepdad) called and asked if he was talking to the master doobie! hilarious. it was right after my doula training up in fridley. long and short of it - i getta be there with my sis and her boyfriend for the birth of my niece! i have to admit it was some slow and decidedly uncertain steps that led me to where we are now...but i am very excited and getting prepared. more on this later ;)

the roller coaster of life continues. our best man and old and dear friend gavin is in the hospital right now recovering from a near death experience. his heart stopped, they had to shock him back, they put him in a 24hr hypothermia state and pete's there visiting right now. not sure if he'll get to see rourkes or if he'll know pete or what. i am nervous and tired...but not even close to what leah is feeling. how upside-down can a girls world possibly turn? to be able to stay positive, keep hope alive and rely on friends and family - that's all you can do. and it's all words until you are really in the thick of it. i think a person's nature leads them where they are destined to be in circumstances like this. leah is calm, collected and steady in her everyday life...that will carry over. hang in there roukes! we love you!

bts

built to spill is the best band to come into my life in the last ten years. that's a bold statement, i know - but it's true. for me, they have exactly the remedy i need. and the best part is remembering the first time i saw them - stumbling into the crystal ballroom in downtown pdx - floor bouncing, band rocking, people dancing - it was the most electric experience i've had, jimi. the most. ach so.

last night was a mellow beer club and tonite was a raging bender. nicht fur ich, aber...

place is one of my favorite things. where are you from? i am from minnesota. born and bred...but i am also from sweden. and i must be from the ocean b/c i love it so much. prairie is like the ocean - you can see for so long, the curvature of the earth is apparent.

there seems like there are so many activites in the world. so many things to love and learn and do...and yet so few hours in the day and so few days i don't have to go to work. i need to start making a living at not working. i will work on that. oao.

to revive ink, keep writing

happy new year youz guys. oh-ten is proving to be 1) cold 2) snafu-happy but 3) ah'ight. we've gotten out cross country skiing once and my nasal passage nearly turned to ice...but it was girl scouts day so it was adorable to see the 6 year olds giving it a go. i forgot how akward it is to try to get up with those long boards strapped to your feet. the ankle twisting it causes looks unnatural.



as we speak pete is trying to fix my driver door. let me tell you a little about phil. he's my college car and he's been with me through coeur d'alene to pdx and back again. i guess it's hard to cliff notes him...i mean it's a ten year relationship built on trust, appreciation, personal meltdowns (mine mostly), and lots of rock n' roll. slowly but surely he's falling apart. i don't want to admit it and i certainly hate to talk about it - i am very superstitious about him - but it's true. i have to start facing the facts so i can prepare myself for that day when i walk away from newgate. maybe i'll walk to unisys just for the hell of it - in honor of berger's '89 dodge caravan. anyway, it started with the driver window, progressed to the left blinker and now the driver door handle. it's like he doesn't want me going left. or leaving him. i did notice the other windows seem shot as well but it's been like 15 fucking degrees below zero - what do you expect. it's a miracle any moving part still works on anything. nonsense.



so i don't know. carsoup? my boss has a mechanic that he trusts and i guess that's a possibility - get something from him. i don't know. like i said, i don't like thinking about it. our goal is 250k and i don't want to sell him short. if pete can get this fixed we are going for wings!

inspiration

what keeps me away for three months? i have no idea. i'm not DOING anything, that's for sure. pete's back in school, i have weeknights mostly to myself, i go out with friends, go to the gym, cook dinners, i even started watching TV! i know - actual TV! but then today steven sent me a hulu link and i realized that's a LOT easier than muscling through the ED and frequent pissing drug commercials. so it was a passing fad - those nbc thursdays.


speaking of not watching tv (they don't own one) - heidi had her baby! you probably didn't hear, but my best friend from college finally got herself pregnant (her husband helped) and the baby arrived november 4th. little raina lyn. i know - it's adorable. and so is she. can't wait to meet the little pumpkin.


so that got me thinking about how pete and i visited my dad's college friends last night. they must feel about me how i feel about raina. i mean i haven't even met her and i love her. and i always will b/c she's jedd+heidi and they are two of the raddest people you haven't met yet. she's gonna be a little farm girl and it's going to be marvelous.


i on the other hand turned into a suburban wife with little direction and no desire to finish anything i start. but boy do i like to start things! sometimes i wear the bravado like a wool sweater: "i don't care about my hair or my looks or the impression i am making - i am just me." but we all care. it's so hard not to. and we are all hard on ourselves. it's so hard not to be. but i have to say - 31 helped me exhale a little. 31 has brought a lot more introspection and pleasant discoveries and proud moments of internal inspiration that i've missed in past years. can i admit that i just realized that if i do something when no one is watching, i'm watching - and that's all that matters?


how far does the self-discovery go? it's eternal. ask the dream circle. but let's be nice to ourselves. give yourself some credit but don't let that be a crutch to no consequences. consequences and repercussions, my man. that's the only way to improve. that and lots and lots of doggie treats.


and as i re-read this like the obsessed editor that i haven't become i realize how hard it is to take your own advice. i want everyone to be the best they can be and i want everyone to be easy on themselves and i want everyone to see what makes them shine...but how do you do that for yourself? lately i just think about where pete and i are going, if we'll have kids, if we'll leave minnesota, why i don't write more, when i'll stop eating so many potato chips, if i should be in bremen, where the years went, what makes me happy, how i can help, if i can do this, what path i missed, and where i can get my wassermaxx canisters refilled. nah, i never think about that last one. it seems impossible!


anyway, i don't know much. but i know that i should get outside at lunch tomorrow. it's my only hope obi-wan.

hug it

people who don't tear up for a tree have problems. man! they are cutting down the 20+ trees across the street today and i am seriously broken up about it. i LOVE those trees. sure, they are sticking the eyesore water reservoir underground, but still - they can't replace those trees. and they won't try. i feel like i should have fought harder for them b/c like willy santiago, they couldn't fight for themselves.



i like making really broad statements about people. like i almost started this posting with "i have nothing in common with people who don't cry for trees." well that's a little drastic. "nothing" is a little much. but i do rely on so many miniscule details to judge a persons character. i will try to make note of them and return with a list. #1: being sad that a big old tree is cut down for no good reason.

dreamt

how do you feel about ufos? i mean how to do you REALLY feel? cause i can be all cocky in the daytime and say, sure - there's aliens, someone is listening to us, etc. etc. but when i am sitting out on my stoop with my sister drinking some pinot noir, contemplating life into the night - and a sudden flash high above our heads comes out of nowhere to blind us....ah, yeah - i told jesus that i'm a mere mortal - go somewhere else to come back from heaven cause i can't handle it. and now i have to email belinda jensen b/c i am certain if anyone else saw it, they are emailing her too. wtf man.

over and out.

globetrotter

i used to think that i'd type here and then eventually reveal it to everyone, but i second guess that when i consider bitching about work or detailing how i sometimes stalk people. but we'll keep those things on the downlow for awhile longer. whilst i decide what becomes of this.

last october we got a hotel room with our friend sam, got drunk, went to a yonder mountain string band show at first avenue and somewhere along the way, someone smashed my left big toe. it's june now and it's still not fully grown out. what does that mean? am i deficient of something? you'da thunk it would've been long gone in 8 months. i mean christ, i could probably bring a child to term faster than my toenails grow. is that strange?

steve talked about gravity today. how his wife wasn't buying it - that people in australia are actually standing upside down. i love it! p.s. everyone needs a globe at their house. my coworker was in china recently and his young daugther was like, "how far away were you, daddy? like where gramma and grampa live (madison)?" again, only a globe could explain.

pete's watching men in black II. now men in black, that is a kick ass movie. i think we've discussed this before....anyway, sequel? i'm in here if that says anything about my interest level. alas, the couch is calling my ass. and my ass is really obideient. except about the part where it doesn't gather fat on it.