ain't seen nuthin yet...

we turned the kitchen table so as to both face the out-of-doors whilst eating. love it! we've been in this house for 7 years, friends. seven fucking YEARS. i think i was in denial for about the last four. denial of? i have no idea. like i never got a rug for the computer room, i never got window treatments, i haven't planted any perennials in the back, the driveway is a clover-haven...we did get the rocks cleaned out in the garden though. that's something. it was pete's idea. i feel like i've been in this god-forsaken holding pattern for...seven years? fahck. pete needed a mission and i twasn't ready for mine. so i just sent him on his and tried not to go bonkers. it sure takes a lot for me to go bonkers, by the way. boundaries. i have so few. and yet....i can be pretty guarded. and naieve. selective perception. it amazes me how little i filter. or care what people think. i have this silent....unsaid code. i just know when something is wrong or off base or not up to code. mostly it's pete who breaks code. he acts awkward or says something that he shouldn't and i judge him for it. and yet....i am always drawn to the way he conducts himself. honest. brutally so sometimes. a real fit-pitcher at times. but passionate. you've GOT to give him that. and in the end that is what has kept me in it to win it. passion for....his music, his interests, his feelings, others circumstances. he lives thick. i skim. some would say that isn't true. here is my deal: i skim my own feelings. sure i can be reactionary and go for the laugh or be poignant when code calls....but to delve into me. i just often don't know how i feel about a topic and often don't understand the power of my words. i am bright but can miss what is being lit. ach so. so anyway, we look to the grassy knoll now and it is absolutely brilliant. choice meat grade a prime real estate. no idjits or dogs or nuthin. new perspectives rock.

angel from montgomery

spring has sprung again. it always does. they say it could snow again, but that's not gonna stop the opening up of the eyes, the stretching of the arms, the deep breath in through the nose and the wakin up that is a happenin'. it's good.

i've seen this new sitcom - wait no. it's just a show, i guess. no laugh track. anyway - it's not that great, predictible, generic love interests and goofy characters....but i am falling for it. i know exactly why and i don't want to fight it. that feeling...that butterfly stomach, mysterious new person, handsome and funny and how is this going to go?

we've been married 10 years in two weeks. i haven't even tried to digest it. at all. we have a big vacation planned to hawaii and we are both really looking forward to it. unsure what to expect, but both definitely glad it's out there for us. that we planned it. but wow. 10 years ago we were getting ready to ship the dress, tie up loose ends, get ducks in a row....to get fucking married. insane in the membrane. in it to win it. it's been a long fucking road. ups and downs and all arounds. but i can sit here and say that even if i have a tv crush and even if i have dreams about morons at work - i only wanna wake up to pete. and go to sleep next to him and wake up again the next morning to him. i hope it lasts. i wouldn't wanna do it if it doesn't.

she done it again!

my bestest friend from college-days-gone-by had a baby boy!!!!! yip yip yipeee!!! i knew he was a boy the whole time. i just certainly did. strange to think about her visiting way the hell back in september and being prego while her thoughtless friends sipped tequila shots that she paid for! that seems so long ago. but now - here it's march. and here's the babe. 3-3-12. i LOVE birthdays, i love initials, i love all of it. joel william ungrodt is on the planet and best be glad about it. it's not all bad. it's NOT. sure it's annoying sometimes when people cut you off or there aren't any coffee beans or people aren't nice to other people....but we gotta just let those things go and not cut people off ourselves, go to caribou for coffee today and smile and be nice to the barista. boom. done.

when friends and sisters become moms it's just too much. i mean honestly. how do they do it everyday? i mean every DAY. it looks fun. it does. i mean the kids are so cute and funny and brilliant at opening eyes without even trying. i think it is a good thing to try. but holy moses. how do i get there? the road is just littered with debris. just a mess. i can't see it. but this day isn't about me. not today.

this day is about the baby joel! oh BOY. now THERE is a name. his gramps died of als years ago. just a royal bummer that he didn't get to meet his sweet bajesus grankids. cause they are gonna ROCK IT. they have a lot of friends already who they don't even really KNOW. and they have a lot of friends that I don't know. boo. but that's reality. i just read heaven is for real and i buy it. i'm all in. i love the idea. love it. i hope everyone is watching. when i pick my nose or cuss or do something i shouldn'ta i don't love it - but mostly i do so i am going with the YES vote on heaven.

to the ungrodts! shout out friends. you are something special and stick with it. keep on keepin on. you populate the earth with these great loads of kiddos and this human race will right itself yet. no pressure, ungrodt kids! smooch.

sabbatical

some days i just lose it. i mean just off the rocker, completely balls-to-the-padded-walls nuts. i can be normal. i can really rip a line - time it well and make em roll. and i can find THE most postive thing in the day and make it work for me. i have a pal who says i can find the good in satan himself. it's a sickness really. but some times i just can't take it anymore. i just want out. and it's more than out of the game, the rat race, the story...it's that i want off the planet. i want a rocket ship, some cheese and crackers and water and i want to navigate outerspace for awhile. but be able to bring up those hologram interactions like on star trek the next generation so i can try a few things out and not completely forget how to converse.

thus, the sabbatical.

how does that work? i mean i don't have kids so it's at least plausible. my shoulders are in my ears, my brain waves are borderline. gotta get away? yes southwest. yes i do. whaddya got for me?

i don't have holiday anxiety this year. thank the lord. i am excited for all festivities near and far. all will be near, however b/c sista 2 is having her 1st come december 30th. or thereabouts. but i win the baby day pot if it's the 30th. gotsta love the wholesomeness of betting on the tinyest of humans.

not much else here to pull ya through the doldrums. 1) need a sabbatical 2) baby nephew on his way and 3) there is no snow. it's a real crapshoot out there kids. 2012 has a nice ring to it. but don't they all in the beginning...

11-11-11

armistice. wwi ends. the world is never the same. and then neither is the holiday remembering it.

i had a few kitchy ideas about a post that included inventing scratch and smell photos and how google won't stop until they are snuggled softly in your bed.

but then i typed 11-11-11 and decided to just keep it clean and commit to returning in a few...

never too late?

i just had a moment - the ones that lead me here. a dear old family friend got married last weekend and i was moved to tears over a blog post her friend wrote about her. she's a kid - like everyone under 30, i guess. my little sister's age. just a pup. but the blog post revealed that she's grown into a thoughtful, inspirational woman. and it makes me....it makes me want to use the word woman more. to say hello, i am an adult woman and here is what i think. here is how i feel. here is what i am all about. and yet also makes me feel like i need to recapture youth. to have been as wise as she clearly is. it's god. it's faith. it's being ever-present and in the moment. i think a lot of my friends would put me there. would say i can connect. but i am starting to slowly realize i can connect with them - with people...but have to start connecting with myself. i have a decent self-image on the outside but the blog post made me realize i have a lot of clean up to do on the inside. and it's never too late, right? so i didn't know it at 23 or 27...or maybe i did. maybe i am being too hard on myself. but it's true - success isn't a huge step in the future, it's a small step right now. if you think can or you think you can't, you're probably right. so here goes...

live

rhymes with hive. i think pete has engrained it in me but i honestly see no point in watching a sporting event that isn't live. mostly i think it's because the planet has an energy surrounding events like that - like ANY event, really - and the cheers and jeers and subsequent negative ions from all the activity have disappated if you try to tape it and watch it later. what's the point? that SAID, i would totally watch the 2009 mlb game 163 twins vs tigers any day of the week. it was a roller coaster theatrical performance! i have yet to find it at best buy. come ON fsn north, let's move on that. it also goes for the women's world cup soccer quarterfinal between the us and brazil. holy moses was that an intense piece of cinema! a lotta ins and outs, a lotta what-have-yous and a lot of nonsense! but oh-so-worth-it in the end. but back to my earlier point about taped sporting events: i got some flack yesterday for announcing the us vs france semifinal score at work b/c someone was dvarrrrghin' it. boo. take a long lunch and watch it live next time, buckoh. and Go USA! see YOU in the finals!