ready, set, go

i just got a little discouraged while doing a search for a literary agent. and then i was like maybe you should write the book first. right. write.

new tactic - consolidation. i keep thinking about this tactic, but not really taking action. and by not really taking action, i mean buying three more places to write things down. holy moses, kid. get a grip.

so if shit doesn't hit the fan and the dear mayans in all their wisdom didn't really mean for the world to end, i am going to label 2013 as the year to bring it tagetha. 2012 was wake up. one year was deliberate.

but as with so many things in my life - they don't stick. ideas, themes, mantras, intentions. i just talked to dad about this the other day: the builders in my life (lots) have so much experience seeing it through. knowing that you have to start somewhere to get anywhere. understanding that it's quite possible you will have to take many many steps backwards to go forwards again. and that it's not about the end result, but the process. though the end result has got to feel good. i don't think i've undertaken anything that requires any semblance of tedium, complexity or patience. if i can't complete it in 30 minutes, why start it? and if it takes any longer, why finish it?

there is a slowing down that i'd like to see. i can ponder thoughts and write out diatribes and be hilarious and craft the sound...but to what end? i laugh a LOT when i reread. and i love that. i love not even remembering having that thought but feeling like i know that person who wrote that. maybe just because of the handwriting sometimes - cause i swear some of those thoughts - i'm not sure i'd have them the same way twice.

here is where i make short statements. here is where i plant seeds. there isn't much here, but how does my garden grow? never that great.

so 2013: i'm gonna try. i have a least a backpack full of paper products and 1gb worth of electronic ones. i am so wintry mixed on how to tackle this. part of me wants to go retro and not trust a cloud or a hard drive. and part of me knows i can type faster and craft better on this thing. so. i think there will have to be a meeting of the minds on this. put out some options, come up with a plan, and just run with it. i think you can trust things you think you can't. and i think you will feel so much better if you commit to this in a way you've wanted to for seven years. please don't let another year go by where you did nothing. this is a perfect chance. BANG!

condemn nations

i am not going to say sorry. i am not going to feel bad. it's just not worth it. i've been writing in that white journal since october twenty something and that's just that. i have shit written in 85 million places and i have finally acknowledged here and in my head and in my little black book that i need to consolidate.

i hate it when people apologize unnecessarily anyway. i'm SORRY. no. you aren't. and also, you shouldn't be. just don't be a dick and you're fine. i am not going to get all up in your grill about not picking a candy bar fast enough. but i think we've had this talk before.

the cyber world is giving me a cyber headache. passwords, usernames, roboform to the rescue? skydrive, google apps, skype...be boo bah boo be bo beep. mci commercial? from the 80s? uncertain. i think it goes with bone-oh-lock-a-peek-eye? noises i can't get out of my head.

and in conclusion....we're 12 weeks in and what do i have to show for it? a mastery of the expense report, more notes in more places, two new pals from texas and a semi-reasonable wardrobe. what ELSE do i have?

oh lots. i thought we weren't condemning the nations of rachel's life.

ideal

so yeah i think we can all agree that this couldn't be more ideal. i can walk to work, movies, a grocery store, cupcake store, thai joint, bbq place, bed, bath and beyond and kohls. what more commerce could a girl possibly need? none. and i haven't even mentioned the running paths, golf course "fore!" or sweet rental bikes nearby. the texans are mint and i think if i can hold my own and contribute....things couldn't be more ideal. that said, i am laying in a queen bed by myself with my ipad typing a blog no one reads. so i have some work to do. makeaplan.com.

husking corn

who doesn't love sweet corn? i mean honestly. it's delicious and fun to prepare for the pot. one time, i was back in the hometown neckathawoods with my mom and we drove down a low maintenance field road to pick some corn my uncle had grown. we were smart enough to know it was too wet and muddy to make it, but my blind grampa convinced us we could plow ahead and get us some loot! a half mile in, we were stuck hard. instead of sweet gold, my mom and i got carpal tunnel from trying to dig mud out of the wheel wells! ridiculous.

nebraska is a state in the union! have you ever thought of THAT? no. cause honestly, nebraska? i can't say that it was anywhere on the atc screen. not a blip. but these people are friendly, the weather is nice and the airport still has free wifi! crazy.

i took a new job. i up and left my 7 year comfort cube and rolled on out. taking down, packing up, moving on....it is so surreal to look back on. i knew i wanted a change but that's a whole different thing than actually doing it. but i am a good rider. ride the wave while it's high but also while it's taking me somewhere new. just ride til i can't hang on anymore. which might be happening soon at the old abode.

my partner in crime isn't doing well. he's wanted us to connect more but instead of carpooling to my new job, i got put on a project that takes me away 3 nights a week. but pretty much four b/c i don't get home til 9pm on thursdays. i am not sure how to recover. i need to appreciate his feelings. but i also just love my family so they get some time built in. so does he, but he doesn't seem to think so. i am going to write on it some more and ponder the thoughts and we'll see what i can come up with. but first: a milano and a perrier. booya cum laude on the expense report, yo.

blues traveler is not a crime

really? it maybe should be.
john cougar is definitely a crime. we can agree upon that.

shaka

when i don't have anything useful to say, i should just say nothing. and when i think i need to defend myself i should just be quiet. i want to live by these rules but i find it so hard. i just want to throw shakas all over town and not have to answer to anyone, have anything expected of me or be responsible for anything. shaka.

ain't seen nuthin yet...

we turned the kitchen table so as to both face the out-of-doors whilst eating. love it! we've been in this house for 7 years, friends. seven fucking YEARS. i think i was in denial for about the last four. denial of? i have no idea. like i never got a rug for the computer room, i never got window treatments, i haven't planted any perennials in the back, the driveway is a clover-haven...we did get the rocks cleaned out in the garden though. that's something. it was pete's idea. i feel like i've been in this god-forsaken holding pattern for...seven years? fahck. pete needed a mission and i twasn't ready for mine. so i just sent him on his and tried not to go bonkers. it sure takes a lot for me to go bonkers, by the way. boundaries. i have so few. and yet....i can be pretty guarded. and naieve. selective perception. it amazes me how little i filter. or care what people think. i have this silent....unsaid code. i just know when something is wrong or off base or not up to code. mostly it's pete who breaks code. he acts awkward or says something that he shouldn't and i judge him for it. and yet....i am always drawn to the way he conducts himself. honest. brutally so sometimes. a real fit-pitcher at times. but passionate. you've GOT to give him that. and in the end that is what has kept me in it to win it. passion for....his music, his interests, his feelings, others circumstances. he lives thick. i skim. some would say that isn't true. here is my deal: i skim my own feelings. sure i can be reactionary and go for the laugh or be poignant when code calls....but to delve into me. i just often don't know how i feel about a topic and often don't understand the power of my words. i am bright but can miss what is being lit. ach so. so anyway, we look to the grassy knoll now and it is absolutely brilliant. choice meat grade a prime real estate. no idjits or dogs or nuthin. new perspectives rock.

angel from montgomery

spring has sprung again. it always does. they say it could snow again, but that's not gonna stop the opening up of the eyes, the stretching of the arms, the deep breath in through the nose and the wakin up that is a happenin'. it's good.

i've seen this new sitcom - wait no. it's just a show, i guess. no laugh track. anyway - it's not that great, predictible, generic love interests and goofy characters....but i am falling for it. i know exactly why and i don't want to fight it. that feeling...that butterfly stomach, mysterious new person, handsome and funny and how is this going to go?

we've been married 10 years in two weeks. i haven't even tried to digest it. at all. we have a big vacation planned to hawaii and we are both really looking forward to it. unsure what to expect, but both definitely glad it's out there for us. that we planned it. but wow. 10 years ago we were getting ready to ship the dress, tie up loose ends, get ducks in a row....to get fucking married. insane in the membrane. in it to win it. it's been a long fucking road. ups and downs and all arounds. but i can sit here and say that even if i have a tv crush and even if i have dreams about morons at work - i only wanna wake up to pete. and go to sleep next to him and wake up again the next morning to him. i hope it lasts. i wouldn't wanna do it if it doesn't.

she done it again!

my bestest friend from college-days-gone-by had a baby boy!!!!! yip yip yipeee!!! i knew he was a boy the whole time. i just certainly did. strange to think about her visiting way the hell back in september and being prego while her thoughtless friends sipped tequila shots that she paid for! that seems so long ago. but now - here it's march. and here's the babe. 3-3-12. i LOVE birthdays, i love initials, i love all of it. joel william ungrodt is on the planet and best be glad about it. it's not all bad. it's NOT. sure it's annoying sometimes when people cut you off or there aren't any coffee beans or people aren't nice to other people....but we gotta just let those things go and not cut people off ourselves, go to caribou for coffee today and smile and be nice to the barista. boom. done.

when friends and sisters become moms it's just too much. i mean honestly. how do they do it everyday? i mean every DAY. it looks fun. it does. i mean the kids are so cute and funny and brilliant at opening eyes without even trying. i think it is a good thing to try. but holy moses. how do i get there? the road is just littered with debris. just a mess. i can't see it. but this day isn't about me. not today.

this day is about the baby joel! oh BOY. now THERE is a name. his gramps died of als years ago. just a royal bummer that he didn't get to meet his sweet bajesus grankids. cause they are gonna ROCK IT. they have a lot of friends already who they don't even really KNOW. and they have a lot of friends that I don't know. boo. but that's reality. i just read heaven is for real and i buy it. i'm all in. i love the idea. love it. i hope everyone is watching. when i pick my nose or cuss or do something i shouldn'ta i don't love it - but mostly i do so i am going with the YES vote on heaven.

to the ungrodts! shout out friends. you are something special and stick with it. keep on keepin on. you populate the earth with these great loads of kiddos and this human race will right itself yet. no pressure, ungrodt kids! smooch.